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IMPORTANT PLEASE READ This website and forum has been living on borrowed web server time for years. At the end of this month silsden.net in it's present form will cease to exist, BUT there is a new silsden.net in the making, and a new forum, and lots of exciting new things coming to this space. Peter |
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Replies in this thread : 29
Author |
Topic : jokes |
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| dogcatcher |
this post has been edited 2 time(s) we had a joke thread a year ago or so but thought id start anew one up as that was a long one.....When a high ranking official in bulgaria was visiting a small town the mayor anxious to impress organised a bear shoot,however due to none being in the neighbouring forest he hit upon a plan and bought a bear from a traveling circus,which was duly release into the forest,the next day of the shoot they came across it but nobody could get a clear shot, and on following it, it disappeared behind a foresters cottage,confident of a clear shot the official waited for the bear to emerge,which after a few minuites it did riding a bicycle '  '); |
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| Peter |
Try using the search facility at the top of the forum. www.silsden.net/forum/philboard_read.asp?id=936 : D |
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| greengrass |
Peter please do not encourage him lol |
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| dogcatcher |
quoteTry using the search facility at the top of the forum. www.silsden.net/forum/philboard_read.asp?id=936 : D could of found it just thought its time for a new one as that was last used in april 2015 which is 1 1/2 years ago. |
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| Peter |
..... but the original joke thread www.silsden.net/forum/philboard_read.asp?id=936 .... was started in 2008 and has 129 cracking jokes and should not be forgotten - click www.silsden.net/forum/philboard_read.asp?id=936 and ENJOY  |
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| dogcatcher |
just seen a dyslexic yorkshireman wearing a cat flap' '); |
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| dogcatcher |
went fishing this morning and ran out of bait,when i saw an adder snake with a frog in its mouth,frogs are good pike bait so knowing the snake might bite me, i grabbed it on the back of the neck and removed the frog,now the dilemma how do i release it without getting bitten,i got my hip flask out and gave a shot of whisky,its eyes rolled back and went limp so i disposed of it in the grass,fishing on for a few minuites i felt a nudge on my leg it was the dam snake with 2 more frogs ' '); |
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| Jaguarxjs22 |
Donald Trump has just banned the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He wants to make America grate again! |
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| HurricaneHector |
what do you often have to do after a Trump? a) Sort out a smelly mess. |
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| BarryT |
At a Pub Quiz In Glasgow "And the final question for £250 is; Take That`s first album consisted of 4 words, the first two were, "Take That" So what are the the second two? There was a long pause, then a Glaswegian said, was it, Ya Bastard?? |
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| dogcatcher |
this post has been edited 1 time(s) 2 guys talking in the pub about family values etc and one says i did`nt sleep with my wife before we got married ,did you,his mate replied im not sure what was her maiden name ' '); |
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| dogcatcher |
man goes into a chemist and takes out a miniture whisky bottle and teaspoon,he pours some into the spoon and says can u taste this for me,the chemist drinks it and swallows it down,"does that taste sweet to you" he asks,no not at all says the chemist,,oh thats a relief,the doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar ' '); |
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| dogcatcher |
murphy a furniture dealer from dublin went to france to get a new line for his store,after selecting a new furniture line he decide to go to a bistro to celebrate,as he sat enjoying his wine he noticed the place was full apart from the seat on his table,and after a short while a lovely parisian girl came in so knowing there was only one seat he jestured for her to sit with him.he then tried to speak to her but could not understand so he drew a picture of a wine glass on his napkin and showed it her ,she nodded so he got her a glass of wine,after a few more minutes he got another napkin and drew a plate of food on it ,showed her it and she nodded so off they went to a restaurant playing romantic music they proceeded to order dinner after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing,she nodded so they got up and danced the night away until the restaurant was closing,so back at the table the lovely young girl got a napkin and drew a fourposter bed on it,to this day murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business ' '); |
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| wheelaman123 |
If you can finish with a song you could do well at stand up. |
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| dogcatcher |
a chicken farmer went to a bar and ordered a glass of champagne,a women sat next to him and orders the same,he says what a coincidence,its a special day for me,and its a special one for me too she replies,they clinked glasses and the farmer asked what are u celebrating,she says my husband and i have been trying for a baby for years and today i found i was pregnant,what a coincidence he says,for years my hens were infertile today they are laying fertilized eggs.thats great says the women how did your chickens become fertile,i used a different cock he replied,the women smiled and said what a coincidence!! ' '); |
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| HurricaneHector |
A man went into a chemist and asked the lady behind the counter, "Please can I have a deodorant"? She replied, "Did you want a ball type"? He says, "Well I was looking for underarm but I suppose that will do." |
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| BarryT |
Mick asks Murphy: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" Easy, Murphy replies, "cos, If they fell forward they'd still be in the fckin' boat!" |
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| dogcatcher |
this post has been edited 1 time(s) a man and women meet at a bar and decide to go back to her place for a drink,after a few drinks he takes off his shirt then washes his hands,then a while later he takes off his trousers then washes his hands again,the girl says you must be a dentist,surprised he says yes how did u figure that out,,easy she replied u keep washing your hands,as one thing led to another they get intimate,after she says you must be a good dentist,the guy now ego boosted says yes but how did u figure that out ,she replied did`nt feel a thing ' '); |
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| dogcatcher |
in the usa they have just crossed a bulldog with a shitzu,i wonder what they are going to call it ' '); |
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| Traveller |
Trump. |
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| dogcatcher |
two kids in hospital 1st one says what u in for,getting my tonsils out the other replies,oh you get put to sleep and when you wake up u get lots of jelly etc,so the 2nd kid replies what you in here for then,he says circumcision,he replied i had that done at birth could`nt walk for a year. ' '); |
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| BarryT |
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and chatting. Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared in front of the congregation! Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly Cobbydaler who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man, 'Do you know who I am?' The old Cobbydaler replied, 'Aye, a do.` 'Aren't you afraid of me?' 'Nope, sure ain't.' 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute lad,` 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Aye,' 'And you are still not afraid?' 'Nowp,' said the old Cobbydaler. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' 'Cos ave bin married to thi sister for 48 years.' |
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| cars |
man & women get married, as their going to bed for the first time, new wife tells husband that shes been married before to the golfer Nick Faldo. Thats ok he says whats it the past does't matter, he says. After they consummate the marriage, he starts to get out of bed, 'where are you going?' says the wife, 'for some champagne' says the husband. Nick Faldo wouldn't do that, he would have made love to me again, so he gets back into bed & makes love to her again. This goes on for four times! When hes getting out of bed she again says 'where are you going?', 'to phone Nick Faldo' he says , 'what for? she says, he replies, 'because I want to know what par this hole is ! ' |
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| dogcatcher |
went on my bike to the shop to get a bottle of gin,but i thought what if i fell off and broke the bottle,so i drunk it,i was right i fell off on the way home ' '); |
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| dogcatcher |
two starving blokes lost in the outback for weeks when they stumble across a tree with rashers of bacon hanging from its branches..its a bacon tree were are saved shouted one of them as he ran to the tree,seconds later he was cut down by machine gun fire,with his dying breath he shouted to his pal its not a bacon tree its a ham bush ' '); |
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| HurricaneHector |
There was a zoo keeper, he had raised this crocodile from an egg, over the years he had grown to love it dearly. Tragically one day he found it floating almost lifeless in it's pool. He dragged it out onto the bank; and desperately tried to give it the kiss of life, sadly he was unable to get an airtight seal around it's very large mouth, and the much loved pet died. Had 2Cars" been there it probably would still be alive today. |
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| BarryT |
The river police stop two Asian gentlemen in a boat, rowing towards the capital. "The captain gets on the loudhailer "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?" One of the Asian gents stands up, "We are invading You!" The crew of the Police launch start laughing, when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loudhailer and says "Just the two of you then?" The Asian gentleman stands up again, "No, we're just the last two". "The rest are already here!" |
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| BarryT |
The Pope is handing out miracles to kids in Lancashire. Young Billy walks on stage and asks him, "Can thi help mi with mi hearing, can yer not?" The Pope says "yes," and puts his hands on Billy's ears and prays, removes his hands and says, "How is your hearing now? " Billy replied, "Getten, no idea, am net up till next Wednesday” |
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| dogcatcher |
this post has been edited 1 time(s) worst job going working for the jobcentre,if u get fired u still have to go in next day' '); |
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| dogcatcher |
hunchback needs bed and breakfast for a couple of years |
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| Replies in this thread : 29 |
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events sale / wanted general have your say looking for.. skippy greengrass |
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